The year so far

We are now about halfway through 2016 and despite not having finished a Singing Bone drawing in a few months, it has been a very productive year. Multiple drawings have been started in parallel. Unlike the last 2 years, my attention has not been split between various drawing styles. I have no exhibition to deal with, and I am not pursuing illustration contracts or dedicating time in exploring more realistic visual approaches. Whenever drawings do not turn out the way I like I simply redo them, without a moment hesitation and with much less frustration than in the past. I’m also not rushing through the drawings with an eagerness to get them out and I am enjoying the process of creating them and feeling the story. It takes the time it takes. I’m not questioning the path I am on as often as I used to and I’m grateful for this new found focus.

For some reason, perhaps because it is a bit foreign for me, it feels so fragile. Part of it self esteem issues, and I resent that fragility in myself, but the important thing is the I have grown aware of it and I am thankful for that. It helps me avoid familiar traps, and change. This is the longest that I’ve focused on any project without deviating onto something else. I can be my own worst enemy, and several things have lead me to deviate from a project, whether it’s seeing something that inspired me, a desire to step away and focus on something new or simply questioning myself and the worth of what I doing. I think I’ve reached the point where I just want to finish what I’ve started.

When I had less time to draw I would talk about it more (as though I was trying to keep that part of myself alive or relevant), and I didn’t like that. Keeping the process of creation to myself has been nice. Talking about it with others can take away from the intimacy that I need to create. Things need to be expressed visually and processed through my feelings. The shifting between accident and conscious realization is beautiful. All the small moments get lost when forced to verbalize. A feeling or impulse to do something is a true gift, and I’m thankful for it.

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